


Monkey Business

by Mums_the_Word



Category: White Collar (TV 2009)
Genre: Gen, macaques, pre-series AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:41:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29175822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mums_the_Word/pseuds/Mums_the_Word
Summary: This short AU fiction highlights a very unusual Mozzie enterprise, which greatly ignores canon.
Relationships: Mozzie & Other Original Character, Neal Caffrey & Mozzie
Comments: 3
Kudos: 20





	Monkey Business

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve practically paraphrased a current article I recently read, so my apologies for borrowing the idea. I’ll include the link at the end of the story.

Mozzie always knew he possessed a superior intellect, even during the days spent in a Detroit group home. Mr. Jeffries just confirmed that fact as he sat patiently replacing a teddy bear’s eye beside a tormented, bespectacled little kid. Mozzie idolized his older mentor because he knew the kind man always had his best interest at heart. So, he took his advice very seriously about reading to enrich his knowledge of the world around him. Eventually, a clever conniver grew up and moved away from the Motor City, but he continued the dedicated practice of reading to broaden his horizons. Well, his current horizon in the Big Apple had not unfolded exactly as he had visualized. Mozzie was living in a storage unit eking out his existence by running flimflam scams and the occasional Three Card Monty game on unsuspecting dupes.

Nonetheless, after expenditures for necessities, he squandered the rest of his ill-gotten profits on reading material—books, newspapers, and the occasional magazine. A recent article in _National Geographic_ had piqued his interest. It was a fascinating report by a Canadian research group about long-tailed macaques, a species of monkeys indigenous to Indonesia. The team of scientists had specifically studied the habits of the little critters in Bali for two years and found that there seemed to be a sort of tribal learning going on that turned young macaques into shakedown artists.

According to what a fascinated Mozzie read, the cute little creatures would go on the prowl to heavily visited tourist areas where they would snatch an unsuspecting visitor’s valuables and then hold them for food ransom. It became a type of barter system to get them to relinquish the purloined items, which included smartphones, cameras, and prescription eyeglasses. Uncannily, they weren’t tempted by just any old shiny thing and ignored gaudy hair clips or sparkly handbag charms. They knew the good stuff when they saw it, and the more valuable the prize, the greater the terms of the exchange. Researchers had witnessed and documented some haggling negotiations between man and beast that went on for the greater part of an hour. The monkeys, who seemed to have acquired an amazing understanding of economics, always seemed to come out on top with their own rewards of fruit, crackers, cookies, or candy as enticements.

Mozzie, as previously stated, was smart as well as a clever visionary, and he knew a guy who knew a guy who could set a new and unusual plan in motion. This character of somewhat nebulous integrity claimed he could import any animal from anywhere in the world and smuggle it through customs. He didn’t come cheap, but this new idea burgeoning in Mozzie’s head made any financial hardship worth it.

Within a month, Mozzie was notified that he had a package to retrieve down by the docks. Under the cover of darkness, the little bald man slunk around the stacks of crates sitting on the pier and located one very small one that looked dilapidated and sad. When he dared peak through the wooden slats, wide, terrified brown eyes stared back, and Mozzie knew he had found his new partner in crime.

_Louie_ met Mozart the teddy bear back in Mozzie’s digs, and the tiny macaque clung to the stuffed toy for comfort in his strange new world. The bald man knew exactly how it felt to be a fish out of water, so he softly crooned to his new pet, “It’s okay, little buddy, you’re going to be just fine hanging out here with Uncle Mozzie. I’ve got so much to teach you, and if this works out, I’ll get you some other friends and then you’ll be part of the new Monkey Mafia in this town.”

Louie, like his owner, proved to be extremely intelligent. The vet where Mozzie took him for a check-up thought the tiny monkey was about four years old, and apparently that was sufficient time for him to have learned larcenous habits in his native homeland. Mozzie was determined to refine that knowledge with the equivalent of a primate PhD. He set up a system of enticements and rewards, but it was a bit more complicated than a banana for a wristwatch. Mozzie patiently taught Louie to steal expensive items from people in Washington Square Park, but the little monkey couldn’t be bought off with foodstuffs. Nope—it was cold hard cash for this savvy little thief. With practiced effort, Louie would snag an iPhone, scamper just out of reach, and then rub his small fingers together in anticipation. He’d shake his head to things like popcorn or candy bars and give the offered items a thumbs down until, finally, one bright bulb in the crowd twigged on to what Louie really desired. If that didn’t occur, then it fell to Mozzie to be the bystander loitering nearby who would move the scam forward.

“The little guy wants money,” he’d yell out like an innocent observer of the drama, and he’d guffaw heartily when his suggestion caused the furry thief to vigorously nod his head.

And it had to be folding money. Louie wasn’t some country bumpkin who had just fallen off the turnip truck. He was now very cosmopolitan, disdaining insulting cheap coins. He could readily identify numbers, and the higher the denomination on the proffered bill, the more agreeable he’d be. After a successful transaction, Louie would stuff the cash into a pocket of the little velvet jacket that he wore and scurry away back to Mozzie’s safe house. Then he’d indulge himself with the gourmet treats his owner had left for him on a small folding table.

Louie was becoming a meme in bohemian SoHo, so Mozzie was contemplating finding new stomping grounds for them. It was always good to stay under the radar, but, unfortunately, they had pushed their luck a bit too long. Louie had spotted a woman’s smartphone encased in a bejeweled pink case, and he deftly leapt to her shoulder while pulling it from her grasp. The lady’s boyfriend, some swaggering dude in a three-piece suit, tried to play Sir Lancelot. He took a swing at an unsuspecting little pickpocket that sent him to the cobblestones. The surprised marauding monkey had dropped the phone, but that didn’t stop the malicious thug from giving the animal a kick with his wingtips for good measure.

People were stopping to gawk, and some were hissing and booing the guy’s churlish behavior. Louie managed to get his feet under him and he scampered up the pant leg of the first person he encountered on the edge of the gathering crowd. The young, dark-haired man with Caribbean blue eyes was holding the frightened monkey close and murmuring soothingly. He looked up defiantly and called out to the angry drop kicker. “If you want to be a bully, maybe you should pick on somebody your own size!”

“Oh yeah? You offering to take me on?” Mr. Three-Piece Suit taunted as he strode up close to get in the young kid’s face.

“I’m calling the cops,” Mozzie quickly shouted as he stood helplessly nearby.

That caused the overblown tough guy to back away. “You and that stupid monkey aren’t worth my time,” he snarled as he began walking in the opposite direction with his lady friend.

When things retuned to a relative peaceful calm, Mozzie presented himself and held out his hands to Louie’s savior. “I believe you have my little pet, and I’d like him back now.”

The young kid in worn jeans with messy, long hair smiled and handed over his furry burden. “Maybe you should have some veterinary doc take a look at him to make sure he’s okay.”

When Louie’s little bald owner just shrugged, the boy smiled and held up a wallet. “I think the guy who just made a less than gracious exit felt really bad about his brutish Neanderthal behavior. Maybe that’s why he left his cash and credit cards behind to cover any charges you may incur for your little friend’s treatment.”

Mozzie was suddenly intrigued and he grinned. “Kid, I think Louie and I need to get to know you a whole lot better. I could teach you so much more about getting by in this world.”

When the young man appeared hesitant, Mozzie hit him with a quote: “ _The secret of my influence is that it always remains secret—_ that’s a Salvador Dali nugget of wisdom, in case you’re interested. Maybe you should read more _._ ”

And so it began.

**Author's Note:**

> https://www.vice.com/en/article/pkdxpk/bali-temple-monkeys-macaques-steal-valuables-from-tourists-for-food


End file.
